


and love me (yeah), if that's what you wanna do

by magnetichearts



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, also i don't know how this is so long ago pls leave me alone, idk guys i just want them to kiss a lot that's the only reason i wrote this, it's my brand u know, oh yeah and it got a lot sadder than i intended but dw happy end bc ofc, they are whipped for each other and i am whipped for them, this is all leila's fault btw go yell at her, yeah so it's just a lot of pining n shit, zero word count control™️
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetichearts/pseuds/magnetichearts
Summary: “I think I finally figured out why you dragged me along on this trip.”He couldn’t see her, but he knew Devi was rolling her eyes as she asked, “And why would that be, Gross?”He smirked at her. “Clearly, it’s because I’m the only person smart enough to come up with ideas on the spot to distract the guard. Admit it, if you had brought anyone else, you would have been in big trouble by now.”Devi tossed a scone at his head, which he just managed to avoid. “Maybe I should have brought someone else, because if I had, maybe then their tongue wouldn’t have ended up down my throat!”or; 5 times ben and devi fake kissed, and the one time it was real(title from “love me” by the 1975)
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 43
Kudos: 402





	and love me (yeah), if that's what you wanna do

**Author's Note:**

> i literally love these two so much, that's the only reason for this fic, which i wrote in actually 3 days, i need help. i'm definitely going to fail my ap exams and my parents will be so disappointed in me but lmao i don't care i'd rather write about these two anyways
> 
> shoutout again to leila for being my awesome cheerleader on this fic (like she always is) hope this lived up to the hype ma'am!
> 
> lol anyways i just wanted to see these two kiss a lot that's 100% the reason i wrote this, so i hope y'all enjoy because i absolutely LOVED writing it for you. if you don't like lots of kissing them turn away pls this fic is not for you and that is okay with me. uh there are some ocs in this but they're irrelevent, legit only there for the plot so tbh y'all can ignore them if u want okie dokie
> 
> i am well aware i used a the 1975 song lyrics for the last title of my fic but the vibe of that band is just so ben and devi so if you don't like it uh you can not read and also suck it
> 
> oh yeah and there are gratuitious brooklyn 99 references throughout this fic cause i watched a lot of the show while writing and editing it, bonus points to anyone who can catch them!

She hadn’t wanted to come out tonight, frankly. Her roommate had pushed her into it, but Devi would much rather have been in her room, studying for her Lit exam the next day. 

True, that class was practically a snooze for her, even at Princeton, but the feeling of accomplishment whenever she scored well on her exams was never going to get old. And this was  _ Princeton. _ She needed to study here. She couldn’t just coast by with natural intelligence and the desire to beat Ben Gross into the pavement. 

Speaking of Ben—she craned her neck around the bar. She couldn’t see him  _ anywhere.  _ She pouted at the thought of being stuck in a bar with a bunch of other sweaty college juniors. 

God, these were the nights she desperately missed Fabiola and Eleanor, but the both of them were in different states, Fabiola at MIT, Eleanor at Julliard, and it wasn’t their scheduled night for a call. 

Devi lifted the hair off of the back of her neck to stop it from sticking. She could practically  _ feel _ her hair getting frizzy already. If Ben didn’t show up in the next ten seconds, Devi swore she was leaving the bar, drinks be damned. 

Perhaps the most surprising thing about her college experience was how close she had gotten with Ben. He had been the only other person she had known when she got into Princeton, and despite the two of them being rivals for all of high school, he was also a pretty good study partner. 

(and, she was still surprised it had happened it at times, but after ben had gotten her to malibu, had let her crash at his house, they had become something akin to friends, something that devi couldn't exactly label) 

Of course, she was just as determined to beat him as ever, but that desire had morphed into something beyond a simple rivalry. Now, Devi wanted to beat her friend. And, after coming cross country with her two best friends moving away to other colleges, with Ben as the only other person she knew, they had gotten really close. In fact, they spent more time together than not, to the point where all of Devi’s Princeton friends kept asking them if they were dating. 

Every time, Devi or Ben had shot them down instantly. Devi had never entertained that thought, especially now that her and Ben were honest to God  _ friends. _ She couldn’t risk that. 

(there had been a moment, after he had taken her to malibu, after she had found him still in the car, after he had stayed, where she had been nearly overwhelmed with the desire to kiss him, to show him that she understood. but then she had remembered her kiss with paxton and that had broken through the cloud of her emotions long enough for her to stop herself from kissing him, and she had simply thrown herself into his arms and hugged him as tight as she could)

Devi knew how to be friends with someone  _ after _ dating them, after all, she and Paxton still kept in touch after breaking up at the end of his senior year, but she didn’t know how to start dating someone who was her friend. 

But that wasn’t what Devi wanted to think about right now. What she wanted, namely, was to finish her beer and find her friend. 

She glanced at her phone, irritated that Ben hadn’t shot her a warning text before to warm her that he was late. She had even told him where to find her, at the right end of the bar. She had goaded him into coming out with her and her roommates’ friends, but the rest of her group had disappeared to go and flirt with a group of cute frat boys. 

Devi wrinkled her nose. Sure, they had been cute, but she had seen the inside of a frat house too many times to ever think hanging out with those guys was a good sanitary option. No, as a biology major and someone who wanted to go into infectious diseases, Devi’s good conscience could never let her enjoy herself in one of those germ infested places. 

Devi took another swig of her beer, making sure to be careful with how much she was drinking. A particular incident with a coyote her sophomore year of high school had warned her that when she got drunk, she got stupid. Even stupider than usual. 

That settled it. Ben still hadn’t shown up. She was leaving. Devi left her money tucked under her empty beer bottle and stuffed her phone into her pocket, hopping down from the barstool. As she looked up, however, she saw Ben, looking rather uncomfortable as he was being hit on by a blonde girl, who actually reminded Devi a bit of the girl who did the Neutrogena commercials that played on the TV in the common room all the time. 

Devi hid her smirk behind her hand, watching Ben smile awkwardly at the girl. Truthfully, she had thought he would be all over her, a hot girl clearly interested in him, flirting with him, but she supposed even Ben had to have days when he didn’t want people hitting on him. 

And, in all honesty, Devi wanted to say she couldn’t see what the girl saw in Ben, but then she would be lying. He had  _ really _ pretty eyes, pretty enough eyes that they alone would be a valid reason a girl would want to hit on him, but not only that, a genuinely nice smile. It also didn’t help that Ben definitely looked the part of a rich trust fund kid, his name brand clothing clearly visible. 

Devi found the whole thing quite amusing, in truth, Ben so clearly not receptive to her advances. He smiled awkwardly at her, trying to pull herself out of his grasp, but the poor girl was either ridiculously oblivious, or completely wasted, because she didn’t see Ben trying to leave. 

The smile wiped itself off of Devi’s face when the girl leaned in and pressed a sloppy kiss to the side of Ben’s cheek, sliding off. She couldn’t hear him from across the bar, but his mouth was moving, and she saw him point in her general direction, although she knew he hadn’t seen her yet. 

So she was the reason Ben was late. Devi’s eyes narrowed. Sooner or later, this girl was going to have to take a hint. Devi considered it her duty to educate her as soon as possible. 

Devi slung her purse over her shoulder and made her way through the bar, dodging sweaty bodies all the while. It took her a few minutes, but she finally made her way to Ben and the blonde chick. 

“Ben!” she said, waving her hand up in greeting. “There you are! I’ve been waiting for you.” His head shot up and his eyes connected with hers, and almost purely on instinct, he gave her a smile, the smile that Devi had learned he reserved for her, soft and bright and beautiful. 

Devi felt her heart begin to pound in her chest, but she couldn’t focus on that now. Without giving Ben any sort of warning, because she couldn’t risk the blonde chick noticing that something was off, Devi placed her hands just under his jaw and tugged him down, kissing him. 

Butterflies erupted in her stomach, and she tried to ignore the sound of the blonde girl’s gasp, which, she found, wasn’t that hard, because the instant Ben’s lips touched hers, she became oblivious to everything else in the world. 

She was worried that Ben wouldn’t follow through, wouldn’t pick up on what she was trying to do, but she hadn’t needed to, because his hands immediately went to her waist, pulling her closer to him, pressing his body flush against hers. Devi’s mind, always in overdrive, always thinking, suddenly started to focus on one thing, the one thing her heart seemed to be saying:  _ Ben, Ben, Ben. _

He tilted his head slightly and then kissed her harder, his hand sliding up from her hip to press between her shoulder blades, the slant of his mouth over hers making her head spin. Her entire world had narrowed, to him, to the feeling of him beneath her hands, to feeling of his lips on hers. 

She didn’t know what she was doing, too far gone on the drug that was his lips to process any thoughts rationally, but she moved a hand from his jaw so it curled around the back of his neck, pulling him closer so she could kiss him harder. His mouth was hot on hers, so hot and inviting, and Devi wanted to stay here forever, wrapped up in him. 

He tugged her closer, close enough so that there was no space between them, and yet, it still wasn’t enough for her, she wanted  _ more, more, _ she needed  _ more, _ and god, she felt like she was going to explode. She tried not to moan under his mouth, she really did, but then the hand on her hip moved so that his arm was banding across her waist, holding her to him, and she couldn’t help it, her entire body reacting to the touch of him. 

She wanted to be consumed by him, completely overtaken, and thoughts of anything else were long gone, lost to the wind. 

Thankfully, or not, depending on how one saw it, Ben had enough sense to pull back from her, enough so that she didn’t continue basically devouring him in the middle of a very public bar. Devi chased after his lips for a split second after he pulled away, body reacting to the very primal instinct of  _ more, _ even as her senses went through whiplash, crashing down to earth after hiding on cloud nine for so long, caught up in the sheer pleasure of being so close to  _ him. _

(something about this was terrifying, because there was a rightness that settled into her bones when she was around ben, a certain way her soul clicked into place, like the universe had wanted her to be there forever)

She blinked and as she did, Ben stepped back the slightest bit, not enough so that he stopped touching her, but enough so that his body wasn’t pressed up against hers, and god, even though the touch of him on her skin was still there, Devi already missed him. 

He blinked at her, looking wide-eyed and shocked, and it took her a few moments to remember  _ why _ she’d kissed him in the first place. 

She tried to shake off the feeling of his lips on hers as best as she could, turning to the girl with a wide, bright smile. “Hi, I’m Devi! Ben’s girlfriend,” she said, holding out her hand. “And you are…” She trailed off, raising an eyebrow at the blonde chick. 

To her credit, the blonde chick gave them a wide, sweet smile. “I’m Katya! Ben and I have Comparative Politics together. Ben!” she said, smacking him lightly on the arm. “You never mentioned you had a girlfriend.” 

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Ben stammered, and god, she hoped he got his act together quick enough so they could pull this off. “Devi’s a bio major, so she doesn’t take any classes with us.” 

“Oh, that’s so cool!” Katya said, turning her attention to Devi. Now that she’d met the girl, Devi could see that she wasn’t wasted, just really oblivious. “How long have you guys been going out?” she asked. 

“Three years,” Devi said. 

“Five years,” Ben said, at the exact same time. 

Katya looked between the two of them, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and Devi scrambled to cover up their obvious blunder. 

“I mean—we’ve known each other since we were kids, but we didn’t become friends until high school. And then we started dating our sophomore year of high school, but decided to break up once we got to college, even though we were going to the same place.” 

“Yeah,” Ben laughed. He tightened his grip on her, pulling her closer so that her back was pressed to his front, and Devi tried not to melt into him, something that was harder said than done. “But then I realized that I couldn’t be away from her, not when she was so close, so I somehow convinced her to go out with me again once we started up here.” 

“Oh, that’s so cute!” Katya squealed. “You two are just adorable, aren’t you?” 

Devi smiled tightly. The way Ben told that story hit a few nerves that Devi did  _ not _ like touched, and god, she was already done with this whole night. 

“Thank you,” she said, hoping she didn’t sound as annoyed as she felt. She turned to Ben, forcing herself to meet his eyes.“Do you want to head out? We’ve both got tests in the morning.” 

Ben nodded thankfully. “Yeah, just let me grab my jacket. I’ll see you later, Katya,” he nodded, as the girl waved at them before disappearing herself. 

Devi clutched the bar tightly as soon as Ben was out of sight, letting out a ragged breath. She licked her lips, craving the feeling of his mouth on hers once more, and squeezed her eyes shut. That had  _ not _ been what she was expecting. Kissing him gave Devi more of a high than any drug she had ever done, and vaguely, she wondered if Ben had slathered his lips in some crack cocaine to make her feel like that. 

She straightened once she saw Ben approaching her, and they stepped out of the warm, sweaty bar into the cool New Jersey night. 

Devi shoved her hands into the pockets of her denim jacket as they headed back to campus, the silence between them almost deafening in its own right. 

“Thanks for that,” Ben finally said, glancing over at her. Devi was afraid that if she looked at him too long, she would be overcome with the desire to kiss him again, but that was ridiculous, wasn’t it? She met his eyes and—nope, she was a goddamn fool, she didn’t even need to look at him to want to kiss him again. 

“I’ve been fending off her advances for like, weeks,” he explained. “But, she’s one of the smartest people in the class, and I didn’t want her to hate me forever if I turned her down. She’s a really good project partner.” 

Devi managed a laugh that sounded pathetically weak even to her own ears. “No problem, Gross.” She bumped her shoulder with his. “Just don’t ask me to do it again. I don’t think I can handle kissing you one more time.” 

“Oh please,” Ben retorted. “You weren’t that great a kisser either!” 

Devi stuck her tongue out at him as he laughed, ignoring the way her heart pounded in her chest as they made their way back home. 

* * *

Ben rubbed his eyes as he desperately tried, for the eighth time, to focus on his homework instead of getting distracted. 

The problem was, he couldn’t help it. Not only was it Friday night, and he was stuck inside doing  _ homework _ instead of doing what every other 21 year old college student was doing, but he couldn’t seem to stop getting distracted. 

Ever since Devi had kissed him last month, he had replayed the kiss in his head at least fifty times a day, and in the week after she’d kissed him, it had been running on a constant loop, like a broken record or something. 

God, he was so screwed. Ben dropped his pen on his desk and face planted into his homework, trying to ignore how soft Devi’s hair had felt underneath his hands, or the perfect way her body had slotted into his, like they were meant to fit together. 

(ok, so he had been  _ mildly _ in love with ever since he had taken her to malibu, when she had looked at him like he held all the stars in the sky, like he was the best thing in the universe, and then the feeling of her arms around him, of her face buried into his neck, had replayed in his dreams for months on end, and still did, sometimes) 

Ben groaned into his desk, and, not for the first time, was insanely grateful that he didn’t have a roommate or even any suitemates. This was so embarrassing. How could he be in love with his best friend? 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to get over her, because he had, going out with other girls throughout high school and college, even dating some of them for a significant amount of time. But none of them ever ended up being what he wanted, because none of them were Devi. 

In his pocket, Ben’s phone buzzed, and he was pulled out of his self-loathing, thank god. He could have wallowed there for hours. 

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he felt a smile cross his face when he saw that it was a text from Devi. 

_ Meet me in the lobby, _ it read.  _ I’ve got a surprise. _

Even as he felt the slight dread seeping into his stomach, because Devi surprises were never a good thing, Ben got up and slipped his sneakers on, grabbing his house keys and student ID card. 

Ben crept downstairs to find Devi waiting for him, pacing back and forth across the lobby. “Devi,” he hissed. 

Her head shot up. “Finally! Ben, what the hell took you so long?” 

“I got your text like, five minutes ago. Chill. What are we doing?” he asked, as she pushed open the doors to his apartment building. 

“Ok, so you know that cafe we really like?” He nodded. “I just found out that they don’t throw away the scones until the next morning. Come on, let’s go get some!” 

“Devi!” he said. “We can’t steal from a cafe! We’re stealing money then!” 

She rolled her eyes. “Ben, don’t be ridiculous. No one’s going to be eating those scones anyways, and they’re just going to go into the trash. I think it’s better if they go into my stomach instead, don’t you?” 

Ben sighed, picking up the pace to keep up with Devi as she stalked down the sidewalk. “Ok, have you thought a single part of this plan through? Like, what happens if they have an alarm system?” 

Devi smirked. “I checked. The only thing they have is a manual lock, and a reliance that the security guard passing through will catch anyone trying to break in. And plus, since the money is taken out of the till at the end of the day, why would they really care? It’s just baked goods.” She rubbed her hands together evilly. “Which is what makes it the perfect target for us.” 

“Why am I always the one you drag into your crazy schemes?” Ben groaned. “Call Fab or El and ask them to drive down here so that I can get a little peace.” 

Devi arched her eyebrow. “Oh, I’m sure you were having the night of your life working on homework in your room, weren’t you?” 

He fell silent at that, “Ok, that’s not fair, and you know it. We’re neck and neck. Plus, all those late nights are going to help me beat you when graduation rolls around.” 

Devi snickered. “Oh, it’s funny you think you can beat me, Gross. You haven’t been able to beat me in anything since the sixth grade.” 

Ben raised an eyebrow. “World War III aside, I’ll have you know I’ve beat you in a number of things, but I, unlike you, are humble, and so I won’t stand here and list my accomplishments for you.” 

“What, cause there aren’t any?” Devi quipped, tossing her hair over her shoulder. 

“No, we’d just be stuck here until morning cause it would take me that long to list all of them.” 

Devi slapped her hand over his mouth suddenly. “Ben, shut up,” she said. 

Ben shoved her hand off of him. “What?”

Devi jerked her head in the direction of the cafe they were about to break into. “I think the security guard is coming.” 

Ben listened, but he couldn’t hear anything. “David, what the fuck?” 

“I’m telling you, I heard something,” Devi grumbled. “Maybe I just imagined it. Come on, we’re wasting time.” 

Ben followed Devi around the building, to the library that had the cafe built next to it. “This is a horrible idea, Devi.” 

“You’re here, aren’t you?” she asked, digging around in her purse. 

“What are you looking for?” he whispered. 

“A bobby pin. What, did you think I’d have a key to the place?” 

Ben rolled his eyes. “We’re so fucked,” he mumbled. 

“Shut up!” Devi said again, this time a little too loudly. 

“Hey!” they heard a voice call out. “Is someone there?” 

They both froze, glancing at each other with wide eyes. There was no place to go. If they went back the way they came, the guard would spot them, and would no doubt stop them and ask them why they were legging it through the green so late at night. They couldn’t go  _ forward, _ so there was no way for them to get out of this situation. 

Ben looked at Devi, who stared back at him, her eyes wide with fear. His brain shut down, and he did the only thing he could think of doing right then and there: he kissed her. 

Fuck, Ben had thought he had only dreamt up how good kissing Devi had been, because nothing in the world could have been that perfect or that ethereal, nothing could have felt as good as her lips did on his, but the truth was, he hadn’t imagined how good it had been. In fact, he had  _ forgotten _ how good it had been. 

Devi tossed her arms over Ben’s neck, pulling him closer and opening her mouth underneath his, allowing him to kiss her harder. He pushed her back, pushed her so that she was pressed up against the wall of the building, and stepped closer, pressing his body into hers. 

God, her skin was so soft underneath his hands, and he slid a hand down from her neck to rest at her small of her back, and she curved into his touch, and he couldn’t help it, groaning at the way she fit. 

He wanted to keep her here forever, with him, to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her, for the rest of eternity. Ben was pretty sure nothing could be as perfect as this, the feeling of Devi’s lips pressed against his, of her soft sighs against his mouth. 

He memorized every single thing about the moment, the light, fruity smell of her perfume; the silken feel of her hair, where it was trapped underneath his hands, the sound of her sighs as he kissed her harder, the taste of her gloss, the way she kissed him back just as hard. 

She tilted her mouth underneath his, angling it so their lips pressed against each other even more firmly, and Ben couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his back as he kissed her harder, dragging her body closer to his, close enough so that she would never feel far away again. The whimpering gasp she let out as his hands anchored her more firmly to him was the sweetest thing he had ever heard, and he wanted to hear it again and again. Her hand dragged from down his neck to rest over his chest, igniting fire in its wake, and Ben wanted her here in his arms for as long as he could have her. 

“Hey!” A voice broke them out of their haze, and Ben pulled back, blinking rapidly when he found himself staring right into a flashlight. “Ugh,” the voice said, which Ben recognized as the same voice as before. 

The guard lowered his flashlight. “Come on. Don’t they give you guys rooms for this kind of stuff? You’re like, the third couple I’ve found just tonight. Can you guys please leave?” 

“Uh, yeah, sorry,” Devi stammered out, which Ben found rather impressive, as he was pretty sure his brain was still melted. “We’ll leave now.” 

The guard thanked them with a nod of his head, and then took off in the opposite direction. As soon as he rounded the corner and disappeared from sight, they both sighed in relief, and then looked at one another. 

It was then that Ben realized he had his best friend pressed up against the wall of a random building, his hands still on her body, and he nearly tripped over himself in his haste to get away. His body instantly protested the loss of her under his hands, but he ignored it. His chest heaved as he stared at her, and finally broke the silence by smiling. 

“Well,” he said. “That took care of the guard. Want those scones?” 

Devi nodded dumbly, visibly affected, and Ben couldn’t help the little rush of pride that ran through him at the way her hands shook as she tried to pull the bobby pin out of her bag. Of course, attraction meant nothing. Devi would like the kiss all she wanted, in fact, Ben couldn’t think of someone who  _ wouldn’t, _ but that didn’t mean she had any feelings for him. 

It took her three tries before she got the pin in the lock and wiggled it around before the lock clicked open. 

They crept into the shop quietly, Ben silently shutting the door behind them, and Devi instantly grabbed one of the bakery boxes the cafe used and started filling it up with scones. 

Ben copied her, and they worked quickly to fill up as many boxes as possible, stuffing them in Devi’s bag all the while. 

“You know,” Ben said, moving to the last batch of scones. “I think I finally figured out why you dragged me along on this trip.” 

He couldn’t see her, but he  _ knew _ Devi was rolling her eyes as she asked, “And why would that be, Gross?” 

He smirked at her. “Clearly, it’s because I’m the only person smart enough to come up with ideas on the spot to distract the guard. Admit it, if you had brought anyone else, you would have been in  _ big _ trouble by now.” 

Devi tossed a scone at his head, which he just managed to avoid. “Maybe I should have brought someone else, because if I had, maybe then their tongue wouldn’t have ended up down my throat!” 

“Aww, come on, David. I learned from you, after all.” As soon as the words left Ben’s mouth, he knew he’d said the wrong thing. Devi’s entire body stiffened, and she sucked in a breath so audibly he could hear it. 

They hadn’t talked about what had happened between them, a month ago, at the bar, aside from casually mentioning it on their way back to the dorm. Ben knew, he  _ knew _ that there was nothing more to it. Devi was just helping him out, the way any friend would help out another friend. She didn’t like him, not in that way. 

Ben was there in high school. He saw the guys she usually went for, guys like Paxton Hall-Yoshida, athletic and handsome, practically the perfect physical specimen. Sure, Ben might have been smart, but he didn’t have three fan tumblrs (one entirely in korean) dedicated to him. Devi didn’t like him. Not like he liked her. 

(and this reminder hurt more than anything else, because he was such a fucking idiot, fallng in love with his best friend, a girl who he could never have, a girl who would never love him back, and that was the fucking punchline, wasn’t it, the big cosmic joke, a guy as ordinary as him falling in love with the most beautiful girl in the world) 

There was no getting through this moment, so Ben decided to simply soldier on. “Come on. We have to keep moving, in case that guard comes back.” 

That seemed to spur Devi back into action, and they finished up tossing the rest of the scones into boxes into Devi’s bag as quickly as possible. Ben made sure to lock the door once more as soon as Devi was out the door, and then he slipped out behind her. 

Maybe it was the fact that they had been caught before, or the chill, October air, but they sprinted the rest of the way back to Ben’s apartment, clambering up the stairs until they finally flopped on his couch, completely spent. 

Ben looked over at Devi. “You know, I got to stop agreeing to all your crazy ideas, David,” and then they were laughing so hard his stomach hurt. 

He looked over at Devi so happy, so bright and so beautiful, and he knew. No matter how much he liked her, no matter how much he loved her, he wasn’t going to risk their friendship for anything. Devi didn’t need a creepy friend who couldn’t stop thinking about her. She needed a friend, full stop, and if Ben had to break his own heart to make sure she got one, then he would do just that. 

* * *

Devi swore when she saw Lyle step into the bookstore. 

Ben glanced up from where he was leafing through a book. “Uh oh,” he said. “David’s mad. The kind of mad she only gets when boys are around.” He closed the book and gave her that shit-eating grin of his, and she didn’t know whether or not she wanted to slap him or kiss him. 

“I just saw Lyle,” she said, leaning back against the bookshelf. 

Ben raised his eyebrows. “Lyle, the guy who ended up cheating on you, Lyle?” 

Devi nodded. “Yeah.” 

Instantly, Ben’s entire expression changed, going from slightly amused to furious. “I can’t believe he has the fucking  _ nerve _ to show up here after what he did to you.” 

“It’s not like we were very serious,” Devi pointed out, rather weakly, though. 

Ben shook his head, his face still stony. “As far as I’m concerned, you were serious enough that you came to my apartment crying over that douchebag. I still don’t get why you wouldn’t let me hit him.” 

Despite the dread in her stomach, Devi laughed. “You? Ben, you’re the most unathletic guy I know.” 

Ben frowned at her. “That’s not true! I play basketball!” 

“And miss the hoop every time,” she pointed out. She peeked around the bookcase once more. “Ugh, he’s here with Sasha.” 

Ben crossed his arms. “The girl he cheated on you with?” 

She nodded. “I’m  _ so _ happy for them. They certainly seemed happy when I walked in on them doing it.” 

Ben’s face scrunched up in disgust. “I have to ask, what did you ever see in him? His name is  _ Lyle, _ for fuck’s sake.” 

Looking back on it, Devi could admit it hadn’t been one of her best decisions, and it’s not like she had a track record of sparkling decisions either. But still. Lyle had been one of the worst, easily. 

(devi didn’t know why she went for terrible guys, honestly; paxton had been pretty decent, but he was never meant to be forever for her, and they were certainly not some love story written in the stars; and after him, her pathetic string of boyfriends had all been terrible; and perhaps it was because devi knew that what she wanted was already out there, and she was too afraid to look for it, so she looked for something else, looked for the opposite)

“Hell if I know,” she said instead. “God, I can’t let him see me. I’m single right now, and if he sees me I’ll seem  _ so _ pathetic.” 

“I don’t think he’ll look that much into it, Devi. From what you told me, he doesn’t seem like he has much of a brain.” 

“Seriously, Ben? Do  _ you _ not have a brain? Do you know how happy Lyle will be if he catches me here, single, after he cheated on me and is now living in domestic bliss with the girl he cheated on me with? God, I’ll look so pathetic,” Devi moaned dramatically. She must really be missing Eleanor if her dramatic tendencies were starting to rub off on her. 

Ben rolled his eyes. “Devi, you’re not here alone. I’m here.” 

Devi gave him a withering look. “That makes me feel  _ so _ much better.” 

Ben just stuck his tongue out at her. “All I’m saying is, we can just pretend we’re dating.” 

“Are we going to use that trick to get us out of  _ every _ bad situation now?” she asked, rubbing her temples. 

He shrugged. “I mean, it works, so why not?” 

Devi peeked around the bookshelf back at Lyle and Sasha. There was no way she could get out of the store without the both of them seeing her. She glanced back at Ben, who held his hand out expectantly. 

Devi swallowed. This was getting to be a very dangerous game the two of them were playing. Every time they did, it felt like she put her heart on the line just a little more, opened herself up to the possibility of something horrible and wonderful and devastating and amazing. 

But, she really did want to make Lyle jealous, or at least prove to him that she had moved on and was living her best life. Because she had! She just wasn’t dating anyone while living her best life.

She slipped her hand into Ben’s, and took the initiative, tugging him out from behind the bookshelves. 

“That’s ridiculous,” she said, pretending they had been engrossed in a riveting conversation. “We both know that Dumbledore and Snape are equally terrible.” 

Ben slipped into the ruse seamlessly with her, as he always did, and Devi couldn’t—wouldn’t let herself think about what that meant. 

(here was the truth: devi was a coward. sure, she had propositioned paxton back in tenth grade, and that was pretty fucking ballsy, but that wasn’t brave. when it came to her heart, when it came to things that could truly hurt her, like accepting her father’s death or opening up to her mom, she was a coward, and she ran away from danger. ben was like that, something that could actually hurt her, something that could devastate her)

Devi pushed those thoughts out of her mind when she came up on Lyle and Sasha, pretending to be surprised. 

“Lyle!” she said, blinking. “I haven’t seen you in a while.” 

“Oh,” Lyle said tightly, eyes nervously skittering over to Ben, who looked like he wanted to crush Lyle. “Hi, Devi. Haven’t seen you around in a while.” 

“Yup,” Devi said, with a brightness she knew Lyle could detect as false. “I’ve just been really busy with exams and tests, you know, gotta be the best and all that.” 

“After me,” Ben said, turning Lyle and Sasha’s attention on him. 

“B—Ben,” Lyle spluttered, truly seeing him for the first time. “You guys are dating now?” 

“Yeah,” Ben said, holding their linked hands up to show Devi. “She got me.” 

“But I thought you two were just friends,” Lyle said, confused. 

“Not anymore,” Devi said. “I decided I needed someone to help me do the dishes every night, cause I hate doing them by myself.” 

“Oh please,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t pretend like you don’t enjoy grilling me about my day while you make me do all of the chores.” 

“I don’t make you do all of them!” Devi protested. “Just the ones I hate.” 

“Devi, you hate all of them,” Ben fired back, grinning smugly. Somehow, Devi found she didn’t hate it. “It’s ok. Your place is much nicer than mine. You actually know how to keep a room clean.” 

“You’re not  _ that _ messy.” 

“So,” Lyle said, breaking them out of their haze. Devi had forgotten that he was there. “When did this,” he said, gesturing to the two of them, “happen?” 

“Just a few months ago,” Ben answered smoothly. “You know, Devi’s amazing. I knew that I didn’t want to let someone like her go. There’s no one I trust more than her.” 

Devi felt emotion well up in her chest, but she smothered it. “Yeah, and Ben’s just always been there for me, you know. He knows when to make me laugh, or when I just need to feel sad. He knows me.” 

“That’s so adorable,” Sasha cooed, and Devi was grateful for the distraction, because she didn’t want to think about what Ben had just said. 

Just then, his phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket, glancing at the screen. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Devi, but my advisor needs to meet with me right now.” He glanced at her sheepishly. “Don’t be mad at me for cutting our date short?” 

Devi pretended to think about it. “I’m sure I can think of  _ some _ way for you to make it up to me.” 

He grinned at her. “Awesome.” Then, quickly, he leaned in and dropped a kiss on her lips, so light she couldn’t even kiss him back. She felt it, though, felt it like a burst of happiness, a firework, in her belly, and only raised her hand numbly in goodbye. 

Lyle and Sasha both said their goodbyes to her as soon as Ben had disappeared out the door, which she was very grateful for. She couldn’t think about anything other than the feather light touch of Ben’s lips on hers, so quick she could have missed it. 

She left the bookstore and turned right, needing to walk to try and make sense of her thoughts, of what had just happened. 

She had written off the previous times as passionate encounters, two young people who were occasionally physically attracted to one another, but didn’t want things to progress beyond that. Devi was a biology major; she knew how hormones could make someone feel, and she knew just how often people gave into their hormones. 

So, it had been easy to ignore the way Ben made her feel when he kissed her. There was a reason behind it, and that reason was science. 

But this….her hand drifted up to her lips again, and she pulled her jacket closer around her as the cold November air blew through her hair. This was beyond science, beyond reason. There was no reason why Ben’s quick kisses made her feel as warm as his longer ones, no reason why the feeling of his hand wrapped around hers brought her more warmth than any fire could. She didn’t want to think about why she felt so at home with him whenever they did the dishes, or any of the chores, or whenever they just hung out together. 

There was a truth, staring her in the face so clearly, she had no choice but to face it. Ben had become her home. 

Devi felt her whole body wrack with a shudder as soon as the words materialized in her mind. The last time a person had been her home, she had lost him, and it had traumatized her so badly she hadn’t been able to walk. She couldn’t even think about what would happen if she lost Ben. It would be the scariest thing to ever happen to her, the worst thing possible. She would be devastated. 

But god, as much as her mind kept begging her to protect herself, to keep herself safe, her heart  _ ached _ for him, for her to tell him, for her to open herself up. She wanted to, so badly, more than she had ever wanted anything ever before, but the uncertainty of it terrified her. She was completely gone for her best friend, and she knew that losing him would destroy her. 

But that didn’t mean she didn’t want late night chores or movie nights or study sessions with Ben any less, it didn’t mean she wanted his hand in hers or his lips on hers any less, and it definitely didn’t mean that the feelings she realized she had for him were going to go away. 

(and to be honest, devi might have just realized she had them, but deep down, she knew she’d had them for a long time, ever since malibu, ever since ben had shown her that he was someone who could be trusted, that he was one of the most loyal friends she would ever have; perhaps that was the moment when she had fallen for him, and she simply forced those feelings down so she didn’t have to realize it) 

Devi felt the wind bite at her face, more painful than she thought it would be, and when she touched her fingers to her cheek, they came back wet. She had been crying without even realizing it. 

She dragged her sleeve across her face, wiping away her tears, and sat on a park bench, wrapping her arms around herself in order to feel some warmth. 

If she was being honest with herself, her father’s death had changed her, in more ways than she had thought possible. Just because she had accepted his death didn’t mean that she had been instantly healed, and at least once a day, there were these moments where a huge, gaping chasm opened up in her, a sadness that she felt could swallow her whole. 

But those moments hadn’t been so frequent, lately, and while Devi felt guilty that she was happy while her father was gone, like she was betraying his memory in some way, logically, she knew that wasn’t the case, that he would have wanted her to be happy. 

She pressed a fist to her face. She’d never be able to repay Ben, never in a million years, for what he had done for her, breaking the law and getting her to Malibu to spread her father’s ashes, to reconnect with her mother, to start becoming whole again. He had done more than she had ever thought possible, more than she deserved, and she felt tears well up in her eyes at the thought of it. 

Ben deserved the world. No one else, no one, had done something like that for her, not even Paxton, and certainly not the string of shitty boyfriends she’d had since breaking up with him. And god, she loved Ben so much for what he did for her in that moment she thought she might explode from it. And he deserved someone who loved him in wholes, who loved him freely and without fear, not her, not someone who could barely get over herself to realize what he had done. 

Ben didn’t deserve to be loved in halves, loved in pieces. Maybe she did deserve that, deserved scraps of love, but not him. She was selfish, and she didn’t deserve him. 

And yet, the fact did not make her want him any less. 

Devi sat there on the park bench until it had gotten dark, until night had fallen, and then stood up, wiping her face. 

She would be strong. She would get over this, would learn to love him from afar, would learn to be happy when he inevitably moved on with someone who made him as happy as he deserved to be, who loved him without limitations. 

She had to. 

* * *

Ben tried not to feel incredibly bored, but he couldn’t help it. Devi hadn’t shown up yet, and neither had Fabiola or Eleanor, so now he was just stuck at the Torres’s Christmas Party without anyone to talk to besides old adults. 

And yeah, Ben considered himself an expert at schmoozing old ladies and impressing them, often getting his cheeks pinched rather roughly in retaliation, but after spending the vast majority of his time in college, where he  _ didn’t _ have to do that, he found he’d much rather talk to people his own age. 

Which is why he was waiting for the girls to come down. And honestly, what was taking them so long? Ben didn’t have sisters, but he was pretty sure his mom didn’t take this long to get ready for a party. He had heard from Fabiola’s mom that Eleanor and Devi had come early to help her get ready for the party, but the party had started, and they were  _ still _ nowhere to be found. 

Ben groaned, kicking the hardwood floor with his shoe. He gave up. Time to schmooze some old ladies. 

He was telling Mrs. Gerhat (the mother of one of Fabiola’s father’s friends) about his latest internship at a law firm, when he finally heard the girls’ voices come down the stairs. 

Ben turned to see Eleanor walk down the stairs first, dressed in a pretty green dress, followed by Fabiola, who was wearing a white suit (different from the one she had worn at his 16th birthday party though, he remembered), and finally, Devi. 

Ben, who had been taking a sip of his eggnog, coughed violently as it went down his airway, but he didn’t want to take his eyes off of her for even a moment. 

He loved Devi in red, it was a horribly kept secret of his, but he couldn’t be blamed, red on her was the most beautiful color in the world. Well, any color on her was the most beautiful color in the world, but red especially, the way it brought out the gold tones of her skin and made her look warmer, how she always looked like the way he envisioned her in his mind when she wore it; fiery, passionate, ready to take on the world. 

But this, this red dress was something else. High collared but sleeveless, short enough so that her legs were visible with enough flare to spin around her as she moved. 

And god, Ben had never wanted anything more in the world than to drag Devi closer and wrap his arms around her waist, to bury his face in her shoulder and just smell her, to be with her. 

He managed to stuff the impulse to sweep her into his arms down, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. 

“Is that your girlfriend?” Mrs. Gerhat asked, but Ben hardly heard her, all of his attention going to Devi. 

He set his glass down on a table, and without pulling his eyes from her, walked towards her and her friends, hoping that he seemed a lot cooler than he actually was. 

“Well, David, who knew you cleaned up nice,” he said, smirking at her. 

Devi rolled her eyes, and Ben tried to keep his gaze from drifting down to her mouth, which was covered in red lipstick. This was like, unfair. She was too pretty on a normal day for him to function, but now, she was nothing short of a vision. How was he supposed to be able to take his eyes off of her? 

“Still as much of a troll as ever, I see.” 

Ben looked down at his suit. “What are you talking about? This cost almost as much as my dad’s Porsche Cayenne! It’s the same model Pierce Brosnan—my dad’s client—wore to the Oscars!” 

“What, in this century?” she smirked. 

“Shut up, guys,” Eleanor said, pressing a hand to her head. “I’m still hungover. Go exchange witty banter somewhere else, please?” 

Fabiola placed a hand on Eleanor’s shoulder. “Let’s go lie down,” she said quietly, glancing back at Devi and Ben. 

Ben stuffed his hands in his pockets as he followed Devi to the refreshments table. “Want to steal a bottle of champagne?” she asked, her eyes glimmering. 

Ben sighed. “You’ll do it no matter what I say, so I might as well help you out.” 

He turned so that his back was to the refreshments, hiding Devi as she swiped the bottle of champagne off the table. “Are we gonna get fancy glasses or?” he asked, turning around. 

She tipped her head towards the kitchen. “I know where Fabiola’s mom keeps the cups. You take this and we’ll go hide in the bathroom.” 

Ben wrinkled his nose. “The bathroom?” 

“You have a better place?” she hissed. “It’s the only place in this house that locks without being super suspicious. We can't go into Fabiola’s room, her and Eleanor are in there, and we certainly can’t go into her parents’ room.” 

Ben gave up. When Devi set her mind on something, it couldn’t be changed. He’d save his own breath just agreeing with her. 

“Fine,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Knock three times so I know it’s you.” 

He took off in the direction of the bathroom while Devi split from him to find the cups. When he finally reached the bathroom, he set the bottle of champagne down on the bathroom counter and looked at himself in the mirror. Thankfully, he hadn’t broken out much since he was in high school, but still, it wasn’t the greatest thing in the world to look at yourself and see something not worth spending your time on. 

He was pulled out of his self-loathing by three knocks on the door, startling him so much he knocked into the bottle of champagne, sending it hurtling to the floor. He just managed to catch it before it smashed against the tile, a feat of athleticism he knew would never happen again, and then opened the door to let Devi in. 

She brandished two red cups and a packet of Oreos. “Dinner’s served,” she said. 

“Looks healthy.” 

“If I wanted healthy food I would have driven down the Trader Joe’s and picked up some of their ridiculously healthy options.” 

Ben uncorked the champagne and poured it into a cup, holding it out to Devi. She exchanged some Oreos with him, and since Fabiola’s parents were like, mildly rich and liked to impress everyone they knew, the champagne was good, sliding down easily. 

(he tried not to stare at devi much, but honestly, he couldn’t help it, the smooth curve of her neck, accentuated by the dress, her long, long hair, hair that he knew was so soft, even the way the drops of champagne glittered on her red lips. was he being ridiculously creepy and self indulgent, drinking her in in a way he’d never be able to do so again? yes. should he look away, like, now? also yes) 

Devi regaled him with tales of Eleanor’s dramatic endeavors and Fabiola’s creepy robot inventions while they ate, interspersed with sips of champagne. He felt it settle into his stomach, warm and soft and pleasant. 

Devi got closer as they drank, so instead of them sitting on opposite walls in the bathroom, about halfway through the bottle she moved to sit next to him, apparently “needing” to show him a ridiculously funny video on her phone. Ben wasn’t about to protest, her side pressed against his, the sound of her laughter music to his ears. 

He realized something very quickly, though, as they made their way through the bottle. Devi drinking beer was a stupid drunk, even more impulsive and with even less regard for her safety than usual. Devi drinking champagne was like a kitten, soft and looking for someone to curl up with. Ben tried not to linger on what it meant that she had chosen him. 

By the time they had finished the bottle, Devi’s arms were wrapped around his middle, and her head was resting on his shoulder, her hair tickling his skin. But he wasn’t going to move, not for the world.

“Hey, Devi?” he asked softly. 

“Hmm?” she murmured. 

“I’m sorry for calling you an ‘unfuckable nerd’ back in 10th grade. And for just like, being mean to you, especially about your paralysis.” 

“Thanks, Ben. I needed to hear that. But,” she said, lifting her head so she looked him in the eyes, though her arms remained wrapped around him, “it’s fine. It’s not like I didn’t give as good as I got.” 

“Yeah, but after everything that happened, I should have been nicer to you. I should have been kinder.”

Devi laughed. “Ben, if you had, you wouldn’t have been  _ you. _ You were the only person who didn’t treat me with kid gloves after everything that happened. I don’t think you know how much I needed that.” She sighed, tucking her face back into his neck. “You were the only thing that hadn’t changed, after my dad died. I needed you to be you.” 

And Ben really had nothing to say that to that, because he’d been carrying around this guilt for ages, for the way he treated Devi back when they were kids. Sure, she had her fair share of witty, cutting remarks, 

but it wasn’t like his dad had died. 

And so he said nothing, stroking his hand down her side. He felt her head move from the curve of his neck, and when he glanced down at her, she was looking him right in the eyes, their faces so close he would barely have to move a few inches to kiss her. 

He reached up and brushed back a strand of hair from her face, overwhelmed with the urge to kiss her, trying his very best to keep his gaze from falling to those red, red lips. “Glad I was helpful, then,” he whispered, like it was a secret between the two of them. 

She nodded, and god, he wanted to kiss her so badly it  _ hurt, _ but she hadn’t taken her eyes off of him, hadn’t moved at all, given him any sort of indication that she wanted him in the same way he wanted her. 

“We should get back to the party,” he said thickly. 

Devi nodded, dropping her gaze from his, and Ben felt the breaking of  _ whatever _ had happened between them like a physical pain, his heart cracking as she pulled away from him. But he remembered the promise he had made to himself; that he would break his own heart if that was what Devi needed. 

It hurt, but he would do anything for her. 

He let her exit the bathroom first, dropping the empty champagne bottle and Oreo package into the trash, and splashed water on his face, trying to wake himself up, to bring himself back to reality. When he opened the bathroom door, however, he saw that Devi was standing there, laughing at something, and standing there, laughing, talking to her, was Paxton. Like it had done constantly in his last few years of high school, Ben felt the ugly coil of jealousy writhe to life in his stomach, like a visceral reaction, a snake stirring awake after being asleep for far too long. 

None of Devi’s exes made him feel the same way Paxton did, and honestly, he didn’t blame the guy for it. There was no one else to blame for how Ben felt other than himself, no one else to hate. 

Paxton was different from all of Devi’s other exes, though. Perhaps it was because he actually  _ was _ halfway decent, as Ben had learned through Devi, when they had been dating. Maybe it was because Ben had never been more acutely aware that Devi didn’t want someone like him than when she had been dating Paxton. Maybe it was because the guy looked  _ even more jacked, _ like, seriously, how was that even possible, and Ben was left the languish in the all too real knowledge that he was nothing special. 

Ben realized he was just staring at the two of them, and quickly stepped back into the bathroom, slamming the door shut in front of him. Clutching the sides of the sink, he stared at himself. What could Devi ever see in someone like him? She was bright, beautiful, one of the very best people he knew, and she deserved everything in the world, someone much better than him. 

(he resisted the urge to slump down on the floor of the bathroom and clutch his knees to his chest like a little kid, but just barely, because this hurt, it hurt more than he thought possible, the reminder that he would never be what someone wanted, that he would never be what  _ devi _ wanted, and yeah, he’d known forever that she deserved better than him, but still, the reminder was more painful that he could have ever imagined) 

The worst part was that he was reacting as though he’d had a chance with her, like he had gotten his hopes up and that she was cruelly crushing his heart, but the truth was that he was just a fucking idiot! He absolutely knew there was no chance in hell that Devi could have felt anything more than friendship towards him. A good kiss was a good kiss, but that didn’t mean she had any  _ feelings _ whatsoever. 

God, he was such an idiot, brokenhearted over a girl who didn’t want him, who shouldn’t want him. And yeah, Ben hated himself a little bit for falling so completely in love with a girl who would never fall for him, who could never love him. Devi deserved better than him, anyways. She deserved someone like Paxton, someone who could be everything she had ever wanted and more. 

Ben breathed in raggedly, his knuckles flashing white as he clutched the sink even tighter. Was it possible to die of a broken heart? It sure felt like it in that moment. 

This was his new normal now, living his life with his heart outside of his body. Devi held it firmly in her hands, and he was just waiting for the moment when she would give hers to someone else. 

He decided to buck up, because what else could he do? He would rather die than lose Devi as a friend, do anything that made her uncomfortable. He could live with a broken heart, but losing Devi, that would kill him, for sure. 

He splashed more water on his face, steeled himself. He finally left the bathroom, glancing around the house to try and find Devi. 

Winding through the house, Ben finally found her by the stairs, chatting with Fabiola’s mother. “Hey,” he said, touching her arm. 

Devi glanced at him. “Hey! Where have you been?” 

“You know me,” he smirked, although he felt like doing anything but smiling right now. “Got to make sure my standing in the community remains perfect.” 

Devi rolled her eyes. “Suck up. Come on. I want more food.” 

“Do you always want more food?” he asked, following her back to the kitchen. “It’s like, you never stop eating.”

Devi shrugged. “I’m a growing girl.” 

“Actually, women stop growing once they hit 18.” 

“I’m about to hit you.” 

Ben raised his hands in surrender. “Ok, ok. I don’t need any more of your wacks, please.” 

“Look!” Eleanor shrieked suddenly, and Ben and Devi turned their attention to her. “You guys are standing underneath the mistletoe!” 

Like something out of a cheesy rom com, Devi and Ben slowly turned their gazes upward, and sure enough, there was a green plant, delicately attached to the top of the threshold. Ben felt dread pool in his stomach, peppered with a shock of desire. 

“We—we don’t have to,” he stammered, looking back at Devi. “It’s a stupid tradition anyways, you know, not really rooted in any scientific reasoning, just some Norse mythology.” 

Devi pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers, sighing. “Ben, shut up.” 

He did so instantly, and then Devi’s hands were on his neck, pulling him closer and kissing him.

Ben stood there, shocked, before he realized that everyone was looking at him, and that he should probably act like a somewhat normal human being. 

His eyes drifted closed, and he placed a hand on her waist while the other buried itself in her soft,  _ soft, _ curls. 

Before, there had always been an edge to their kisses, a hurried sort of urgency, like they were trying to take in as much of the other person as they could before their time was up, and the truth was Ben didn’t think he’d  _ ever _ have enough time with Devi, not for eternity. 

But this kiss was different, soft and slow and sweet, and reminded him of molasses. She kissed him back languidly, like they had all the time in the world, like she was trying to memorize the taste of him, and Ben wasn’t going to give up this moment, not for anything. 

He pulled her into him, just a little bit, enough so that she sighed into his mouth, and kissed her again, relishing the feeling of her, her, her, everything about her. 

Kissing Devi was like being on the greatest drug high of his life, and Ben knew in that moment he’d never be able to do any drugs ever again, because nothing in the world could even come close to the feeling he got when Devi’s lips were on his. 

He was about to pull her closer, kiss her hard enough so that she melted into him, like she never wanted to be anywhere else, but then he heard Eleanor’s romantic sigh. Devi seemed to as well, because then she was pulling away, and Ben barely restrained himself from letting out a frustrated sigh and dragging her back to him again. 

Ben couldn’t take his eyes off of her, and when her hand reached up, pressing her thumb against his mouth, he felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest. Was she about to say it? Was she about to tell him everything he had wanted to hear? 

But then her thumb swiped across his lips lightly, and came back stained red. “Sorry I got lipstick all over your mouth,” she apologized softly. 

He reached up and thumbed at the red streak on the side of her mouth. “Same here.” 

“Oh my god,” Eleanor sighed. 

This broke them out of the haze they were trapped in, the separate world Ben always seemed to enter when he was around Devi, and he let go of her, despite every cell in his body screaming not to, despite being flooded with the urge to bring her close again, and stepped back. Devi did the same, and they stared at each other for another moment before Devi turned her gaze to Eleanor and Fabiola. 

The moment broke, and Ben wasn’t in the mood to hear whatever she was going to tell her friends; how they could never be, how Ben wasn’t her type, how they were just friends, how she was looking for someone different. 

All true things, but at the moment, his battered heart couldn’t handle it. He had to leave. He’d send a text later explaining why he left, making up some stupid excuse. Right now, he needed to be away from her. 

Ben glanced at her one more time, taking her in for one last second, before turning on his heel and leaving. 

* * *

Devi wrung her hands. “What?” she said. 

Fabiola and Eleanor just stared at her. God, how did they manage to look so knowing over a phone screen? It was creepy, and completely unfair. 

“Devi, are you sure about this?” Eleanor asked.

She shrugged, trying to be totally cool. “Yeah. I mean, Ben and I aren’t dating. I don’t think there’s anything between us, honestly. So what? Why would he care if I went on a date with someone else? I wouldn’t care if he did.” 

“Firstly, that is a lie, you certainly would care, and secondly, this is a horrible idea, and I would like it stated on the record that I think so,” Fabiola said. “Gears Brosnan also thinks it is a terrible idea.” 

“I don’t care what that stupid robot thinks!” Devi burst out. “Why don’t you guys think I can handle this?” 

Eleanor looked at her knowingly, and god, Devi hated it when her friend did that, looked at her like she could see right through her. “It’s not that we don’t think  _ you _ can’t handle it, Devi. But have you thought about what this might be doing to Ben?” 

Devi scoffed, the very idea preposterous. “Ben? Ben’s doing fine. Irritatingly so, in fact. His GPA is just a fraction of a point higher than mine, but I have a paper I just turned in that I know I crushed it on, so I’ll leave him in the dust soon.” 

“Devi, as proud as I am that you’re still determined to do well in college, that’s not what I’m talking about,” Eleanor said gently. “I’m talking about the fact that Ben’s in love with you.” 

Devi laughed. “El, I know you see romance everywhere, but now you’re just delusional. Ben’s not in love with me. He’s just my friend.” 

Eleanor threw her hands up in defeat. “Devi, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. Have you seen the way that boy looks at you? He looks at you like you’re the only thing in the world that matters to him, and you look at him like he’s the only person who’s ever existed, and the both of you are pretending like this is  _ West Side Story _ when you should actually be thinking more  _ Waitress.” _

“Stop it, Eleanor!” Devi snapped. And yeah, it was a bit harsh, but she couldn’t think about that. Ben didn’t love her, because if he did, then that would be the worst thing that had ever happened to him. She couldn’t think of anyone who deserved Ben less than her. She was still shocked he had wanted to be her friend. Devi was broken, too broken to love someone as whole as Ben, and as much as she craved for him, to love him, to be with him, she couldn’t do that to him. 

And even if he  _ did, _ then when he inevitably realized that she was nothing worthwhile, that she wasn’t someone worth loving, he would leave her. And Devi would be destroyed if that happened. 

“Devi,  _ why _ are you so afraid to love him?” Fabiola asked. “There’s no reason behind your fear.” 

Devi felt like a lump had gotten itself stuck in her throat, and she tried to speak around it. “I’m in love with Ben, guys,” she admitted, “and I know that loving him could destroy me.” 

“Oh, Devi,” Eleanor said, and she wished, desperately, in that moment, that her friends were there with her, that she could hug them and cry with them and just be with them, so it felt a little easier to breathe. “You can’t run from love the rest of your life. It’s not a healthy way to live.” 

“Look, El,” Devi said. “I didn’t have the choice of who my father was, and I didn’t have the choice of loving him. But I did, and then he died. I do have the choice of loving Ben. I’m not making that mistake again.” 

Eleanor smiled sadly. “Did you really ever have the choice, Devi?” 

(of course not; she never had any choice when it came to ben gross and his smiles, to his skin pressed against hers, holding him in her arms, his late night study sessions and nights spent teaching him how to properly eat indian food, she didn’t have a choice in falling for him, but it was so much easier to pretend she did)

Devi sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I know, guys.” 

“We love you, Devi,” Eleanor said. 

“We just want you to be happy,” Fabiola added.

“I love you guys too,” Devi said. “More than you know.” 

She reached out and pressed her fingers against her computer screen, missing her friends so much it was a physical ache, in the pit of her stomach. It hurt, sometimes, being away from them. As much as her Princeton friends were great, and they  _ were, _ they had all come into her life after her father’s death, and they didn’t really know how it had affected her. There were only a few people in the world who did know, and Fab and El were the two people who probably knew best. Having them so far away from her hurt. 

“I have to go, now,” Fabiola said, “I have a robotics class, but I’ll call you guys next Thursday?” 

Devi and El nodded, and as her friends said goodbye and ended the call, Devi found herself staring at her dark computer screen, fingers still pressed to it. She could feel the warmth of her computer, and it was a poor substitute for Eleanor’s shining personality and Fabiola’s dry humor, it wasn't anything compared to her friends, but it was all she had. 

Devi heard the door to her apartment open, and then Ben poked his head into her room. ‘David, do you have the—what’s wrong?” he said, noticing the tears dripping down her face. He came and sat next to her. 

“It’s nothing,” she said, hurriedly wiping the tears off of her face. “It’s stupid,” she muttered, shaking her head, but she couldn’t stop the tears again.

‘Hey, no,” Ben said softly. He drew her in, hugged her gently. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing’s wrong,” she said, although the hiccups in her voice contradicted her. “I just—I miss El and Fab. So much.” 

“Devi,” Ben said, his hand running up and down her back. “That’s not dumb. That’s  _ human. _ Of course you miss your friends. Why did you tell me about this sooner?”

She shrugged, burying her face in his chest. “I don’t know, I didn’t want you to see me as weak.” 

Ben laughed then, a beautiful, hearty laugh that made her feel better just hearing it. “Think you’re weak? Devi, there is no universe in which I think you’re weak. You’re the strongest person I know.” 

(and this was the moment when devi realized she was too far in to ever hope of going back; ben was the best person she knew, her best friend, he was constant, he was sturdy, he sustained her, and if she ever lost him, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself, wouldn’t be able to live in a world without him; she had surrendered her heart to ben, and no matter what he decided to do with it, she’d never get it back. she knew he could break her heart, smash it into the dust a dozen times, and she would still love him, still be his. but the worst part about ben was that he would never do that, never hurt her willingly, and that was what scared her, because she had no reason to turn away from him but herself) 

Instead of telling him any of this, because she knew Ben would never leave her, just let her down easy, just tell her that he didn’t feel the same way, but still break her heart, Devi buried his face in her chest, clutched him a little closer to her so that she could breathe easier. 

Ben always made it easier to breathe. 

“You know what I think you need?” he asked.

“What?” she said, raising her head. 

“Chocolate cake,” Ben said, smiling at her. “From LiLLiPiES.” 

Devi wiped her face again. “Now? Ben, it’s Valentine’s Day. The whole place will be crawling with couples.” 

He nodded. “Yeah, I know.” Without removing his hand from her side, keeping her tucked into him, he fished his phone out of his pocket, holding it up to her. On the screen was an E-flyer for LiLLiPiES bakery, advertising that all couples coming in looking for their wedding cake were going to be able to sample five cakes in the bakery free of charge. 

“Now you can have more than just chocolate cake.” 

“One problem there, Gross,” she said, pointing at the flyer. “You and I, we’re not engaged.” 

Ben shrugged. “Yeah, but I just wanted to make you feel better.” He glances down at his phone, suddenly shy. “We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. It was just a suggestion.” 

Devi felt guilt coil in her stomach, and it only worsened when Ben wouldn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t let go of her, of course, because Ben was the kind of guy who would hurt himself before hurting her, because even when she had just shot down the nice thing he tried to do for her, he thought of her first.

“No,” she decided, plucking the phone out of Ben’s hand. “You’re right. Plus, we’re pretty good at pretending to be a couple. Might as well get free cake out of it. Just one thing. Like Beyonce said. Put a ring on it, dude.” 

Ben laughed, and then fished something out of his pocket. It was a velvet box, and when he flipped the lid open, Devi felt her breath catch in her throat. “I knew you’d agree,” he said, but her attention was elsewhere. 

Nestled in the velvet ruching of the box was a beautiful ring, a square cut diamond with amethyst and diamond studded in the silver band around the main stone. 

“Oh, Ben,” she said, reaching out almost on instinct to touch the ring, before she remembered herself. “I meant, like, a shitty arcade ring or something. This, I can’t wear this.”

He shrugged. “You’re going to have to, if you want to sell this.” 

Devi looked up at him, flushing at the sight of those blue, blue eyes boring into hers. “Why do you even have it? And why was it in your pocket now?” 

Ben flushed as well, hand going up to scratch the back of his neck. “I found it in my luggage. My mom left a note, saying that at least once I found someone, I’d have the ring.” 

“Ben, she obviously meant for real,” Devi said gently. 

“I know. But I mean, I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon, so I guess she’ll just have to wait. And I was going to ask you to come with me anyways. I know how much you love their cake. This way, you get some cheering up too. So,” he said, plucking the ring out of the box and holding it between his thumb and pinky finger. “Devi Vishwakumar, will you marry me so we can get some free cake?” 

Devi rolled her eyes. “If it’s for cake, then I  _ guess,” _ she sighed dramatically. 

She wanted to slip the ring on herself, but before she could even move her hand, Ben was slipping it on her finger, hand loosely curled around hers. 

(there were moments like these, moments where things felt all too real, when devi was painfully aware of the line they were dancing on, occam’s razor, and despite wanting to fall one way or the other, she was too scared to leap, and so she continued to clutch at the edge, cutting her heart to shreds all the while) 

“So,” Ben said, clearly unaffected, and Devi tried not to let this bother her, “are we going to get some cake?” He stood up and tugged on her hand, which was still intertwined with his.

Devi laughed. “I think you’ve kept me waiting long enough.” 

He held her hand all the way to LiLLiPiES, which Devi desperately attributed to needing to keep up the facade, and they finally reached the shop, where a sign in the corner was proclaiming that any engaged couple would get their tasting of five cakes free today. 

Ben held the door open for her, brandishing it proudly, and she rolled her eyes. She should have expected him to go over the top for this whole thing. Ben was ridiculous in that way, taking everything to the extreme. It was one of the things she both loved and hated about him. 

The bell jangled as the door closed, and almost immediately, a stout, smiling woman materialized in front of them. She reminded Devi a bit of Patty, actually, Ben’s housekeeper back home, and weirdly enough, this little detail comforted her. “Hello!” she greeted them. “Are you guys here for the wedding cake tasting?” 

Devi nodded. “Yes!” 

“Of course. I’m going to just have to ask you a few questions, of course. You wouldn’t believe how many people try to lie their way into this thing. Can you imagine?” 

Devi and Ben laughed nervously, refusing to look at each other. “Ok,” the woman said. “I’m going to give you, honey,” she nodded to Devi here, “a series of questions, you just write down your answer quickly, and then I’ll ask you the same questions, ok?” she said, looking at Ben. 

Devi tensed. This could either go amazingly, or horribly. But what else could she do? She gave the woman a smile. “Ok.” 

Devi took the clipboard and answered the questions as quickly as possible, well aware that the woman was watching her like a hawk and that there was no way she could somehow pass off the answers to Ben. 

Finally, she had no choice but to hand the questions back to the lady. 

“Ok,” the lady said, tapping her pencil against the clipboard. 

“Favorite guilty pleasure show?” 

_ “Riverdale,” _ Ben answered instantly, no hesitation in his voice. 

“Favorite food?” 

“Pineapple pizza, the weirdo,” he said, casting her an amused look. 

“Celebrity crush?” 

“Nick Jonas.” 

“Dream job?” 

“Disease specialist.” 

“Thing she wants the most.” 

Ben glanced at her, and Devi tensed. She hadn’t put him, of course, even though that was what she actually had wanted, so she settled for the next best option. “To talk to her dad one more time,” he said softly. 

Devi stared at him, her heart pounding in her chest. When had he learnt her so well? When had he learned everything about her, her desires, her deepest secrets? The scary thing was, she realized, was that Ben knew her better than she knew herself. 

“Alright!” the lady said. “You guys are good to go. Please take a seat!” 

Ben and Devi made their way to the table silently, taking their seats next to each other. As they waited for the lady to bring the cakes out, Devi turned towards Ben, lowering her voice so that no one else could hear them. “How did you know all that stuff?” 

Ben smiled at her, but his eyes were confused. “I’m sorry, just how dumb do you think I am, David. We’ve been friends for like, five years, and you never shut up. Of course I absorbed some stuff. I thought it was useless up until now, though.” 

Devi shoved him, laughing. “Shut up, Gross. My voice is a damn delight and you know it.”

“A damn strain on my ears is more like it.” 

Devi opened her mouth to retort, but then the lady set down two slices of the most decadent chocolate cake Devi had ever seen in her entire life, and her attention was immediately pulled there. “This looks so good,” Ben whispered. 

“I know,” she said back. 

“Are you feeling any better?” 

Devi had almost forgotten why they were there, but in truth, she was, even though she hadn’t had a bite of the cake yet. Being with Ben always made the day a little better, a little easier. “For sure,” she said. 

They were silent then, though as soon as the chocolate hit her tongue, Devi had to bite back a moan. It was  _ so _ good. She was pretty sure she’d need to have this chocolate cake for the rest of her life, like, order it from the store every single day. Ben was rich, he could pay for her.

Ben polished off his cake quickly, though Devi went the smart route and savored it, and as soon as she saw his fork creeping towards her plate, she smacked his hand. “No!” 

“Ow!” he said. “What the heck!” 

“Get your own cake,” she said, using her fork to point at his empty plate. “Oh wait, you finished it. Too bad, you still can’t have mine.” 

Ben grumbled, rubbing the spot where she had hit him. “You’re mean,” he pouted, not unlike a little child. 

“Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me now, Gross.” 

“You guys are so cute,” the girl across from them said. “How did you two meet?” 

“In kindergarten,” Devi answered, without thinking. 

The girl’s eyes widened. “What? You guys have known each other since you were kids.” 

“Oh yeah,” she said, too focused on her cake to really think her answers through before they spilled from her mouth, “and I’m still waiting for the day he realizes I’m smarter than him.”

“We both got a perfect score on our PSATs!” Ben protested.

“Still, I’m smarter than you.” 

“Wow,” the girl whispered. “So you guys are like, real-life childhood sweethearts.” 

Devi couldn’t help but laugh at that. “What? No! We hated each other for most of our childhood.” 

“But,” Ben interjected, “I’d say we’re more like high school sweethearts, since we became friends in 10th grade, and started dating shortly after.” 

He glared pointedly at her, and Devi managed to catch on. She nodded, swallowing her cake quickly. “Oh, yeah, high school sweethearts for sure.” 

“Oh, so cute,” the girl across from them cooed. 

Devi gave her a tight smile, but thankfully, the lady saved her by swapping out their empty plates for some more cake. 

Devi made sure to talk only with Ben for the rest of the time, carefully keeping her attention directed away from the rest of the customers. More questions meant more opportunities to fuck up. 

By the time they had run through their five free samples, it was getting to be late afternoon. Ben helped Devi into her jacket before shrugging on his own, and Devi glanced over his shoulder to see the lady who ran the bakery peering at them with narrowed eyes. 

“Ben,” she hissed, lightly smacking his chest. 

“So even after I asked you to marry me, you’re still gonna hit me all the time?” he deadpanned, ignoring her panicked expression. 

“Ben!” She glared at him. “That lady over there is looking at us, and she does not look happy.” 

Ben glanced over at her. They were the last two people in the shop, other than the lady behind the counter, and Devi felt her stomach start to turn. With other people, the lady might not have kicked them out, or banned them, but with only her and them in the shop, she could start any scene she wanted. “I don’t want to get kicked out,” she pleaded. “We have to do something.” 

Ben frowned at her. “What more does she need? I already passed her stupid test.” 

Devi shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe we need to be like, more coupley.” 

He arched an eyebrow. “I thought you hated PDA.”

“Not if it doesn’t get me banned from the best bakery in town.” 

Ben rolled his eyes, but then his hands were cupping Devi’s face and he was pulling her forward to kiss her. 

She was shocked, to say the least, but god, it was so hard  _ not _ to melt into Ben’s touch, the way he made her feel, his lips on hers. Somehow, even after eating all of that cake, he still tasted like chocolate, and the decadence of the cocoa on his lips was the best thing Devi had ever tasted.

She curled her hands into his jacket and stepped closer to him, seeking something more, slanting her lips so she could kiss him harder, firmer. 

Ben had always been in sync with her, had always known what she was thinking, so Devi wasn’t surprised when his hand swept from her face down to the small of her back, her body arching into his touch. His mouth on hers was hot and his lips were so soft, and kissing him was quickly becoming her absolute favorite thing in the world to do. 

She moved her hand up to cup his jaw, the base of her thumb pressed against his pulse, and tried to stifle a groan when his tongue traced her bottom lip. This was the happy medium between their first few kisses and the kiss at Christmas, soft and sweet with an edge of passion, just barely restrained, and Devi wanted to pull him to her, even closer, and see if she could tempt that line, to break it and to drown in him. 

(devi now knew what it was like being with ben; all-consuming, in the good way, the way that made her feel like she was drunk on champagne, and she knew that if she ever got up the courage to tell him how she felt (which would be never, but it was nice to dream) and the on incredibly small off chance he felt the same way about her, it would be one the best things she’d ever have done, one of the best decisions she’d ever make) 

Ben pulled away first; and though Devi wanted nothing more than to remain wrapped up in him, she forced herself to come back to her senses, glancing over his shoulder. The lady had now ignored them entirely, humming happily to herself as she puttered around behind the counter, and Devi turned her gaze away—

And Ben was already pulling away from her, fishing his car keys out of his pocket as he glanced back at her. “Do you want to live here or are you ready to head home?” he asked, offering her a smile. 

Devi swore she could hear the clean crack of her heart right then and there, falling to pieces on the tiled floor of the shop, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and cry for hours. But it wasn’t  _ Ben’s _ fault. How could she be mad at him? He didn’t know how she felt about him. That he was breaking her heart by acting normal. That, if he could still joke and be friends with her after a kiss like that—a kiss that made her feel like she was about to explode from how much happiness she felt, a kiss that made her head spin and her soul click into place, then he really  _ didn’t _ feel anything for her. 

She had let Eleanor and Fabiola get into her head and get her hopes up, and it was something she should have never done. 

Ben wasn’t hers to have—in fact, he had never been, and it was good that Devi learned this now, instead of later. Well, she was still in love with him, but at least she knew where he stood, and what he wanted. 

It didn’t make it any less painful, though.

She offered him a grateful smile as he opened the store and car doors for her, and somehow, because Ben always knew what she wanted, he was silent, turning on the radio and offering her a small, sweet smile before starting the car. 

Devi leaned against her seat and closed her eyes, forcing down the heartbreak at being in love with someone who had never loved you back.

* * *

Ben’s heart broke for good on the first Friday in April. 

“David,” he called, letting himself into her apartment. “Where’s my textbook? You said you would only need it for a few days. I need it before my finals.” 

“I don’t know, Ben,” Devi called back. She was in her bathroom, he could tell that much, and it looked like all of her roommates were out. “I think I put it somewhere in my room.” 

Ben entered her bedroom, eyes widening at the mess. “Wow, did a tornado rip through here or something?” he asked, eyeing the piles of clothing scattered around the room. “Is your true nature finally being revealed? Are you secretly a hoarder?” he gasped dramatically. 

“Shut the hell up,” she said. “I needed to find something to wear.” 

Ben furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at his phone. “We don’t have any plans tonight, do we?” It was only 8:15, but he didn’t think so. He and Devi had movie nights on Tuesdays, not Fridays. Plus, she never got dressed up for those. 

“No,” Devi said. Ben could hear her stepping out of her bathroom and coming down the hallway towards her bedroom. “I have a date.” 

Ben whirled around, his mouth going dry at the sight of her in the doorway. “You—you have a date?” he repeated, rather dumbly. 

Devi nodded, smoothing her hands down her dress, which, Ben noted, was a dark green. He felt a dark, jealous part of him happy at the fact that her date wouldn’t see her in red, wouldn’t see her in the color Ben loved the most on her, but for the most part, the rest of him just thought that she looked like the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. 

Devi usually chose to wear her hair down, something Ben loved, the way the long strands curled at the end, but she had pinned it up in a high ponytail, and he couldn’t stop himself from dragging his eyes across the newly revealed curve of her neck, down to her shoulder. God, her hair was  _ beautiful, _ ends brushing her shoulders lightly, drawing his eyes to her even more. 

Devi liked dressing up, but she didn’t often wear dresses. Just a few times a year, actually, mostly to parties, but they were never usually very fancy. The last time she had worn a dress was the Christmas party. Ben felt his face flush at the memory. But in this dress, fit to her waist before flaring out into a full skirt that stopped at her knees; she was a vision. 

It was held up by thin spaghetti straps, and Ben had never wanted anything more than to press his lips to the curve of her shoulder, to drag them up the side of her neck and kiss her cheek, to take her into his arms, and keep her there forever. He wanted to smooth his hands down the sides of her arms, and convince her to stay here with him forever, with no one else. 

And she was wearing makeup, kohl lining her eyes, lips stained red, and she was looking at him with those wide eyes, slightly confused. She was the most beautiful girl in the world. She was dressed like a vision. 

_ She was dressed like this for someone else. _

The reminder was like a bucket of cold water was dumped on Ben’s head. He quickly looked away, tried to focus on anything but her, and cleared his throat. “A date? You don’t usually get so dressed up for a date,” he laughed, trying to play off his obvious fascination with her as something else. 

Devi smiled, though her eyes still held a question in them. “Yeah, well, all those other dates weren’t to places like Bouche Manger.” 

Ben sucked in a breath. All of Devi’s other dates had been sleazeballs who had barely bothered to pay for them. But if this guy was taking her out to one of the fanciest restaurants in town—he must have been halfway decent, and that thought crushed his heart. 

“Who—who are you going out with? Do I know them?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound as utterly wrecked as he felt. 

Devi shook her head, stepping further into her room to grab her apartment keys and her phone from where they were sitting on her dresser drawer. “This guy, Matt, from my Lit class. He’s nice, you know, decent. We’re friends. Maybe I’ll get a good one this time,” she smiled, though it was a bit tight. 

He swore his heart was breaking. After all, that could be the only reason for this pain, right, this pain that he seemed to feel in every single cell in his body, that pulsed even as he took in shallow breaths, this pain that seemed to feel like something was sitting on his chest, preventing him from breathing, from living, from even functioning. 

But he had no place to tell Devi who she could and couldn’t go out with. He had no right to dictate anything to her, to tell her anything about her love life, because the only person to blame in this whole situation was  _ him _ . He was the one who was pathetic, too dumb enough to tell his best friend how he felt abut her. 

(and even though this hurt, ben was still pretty convinced his decision was right, because look at the two of them; look at devi and look at him, and there would be no question of who didn’t deserve the other, and even if he told her, she would probably be disgusted, probably be upset at the idea of him feeling that way about her, after all, why wouldn’t she, when devi could have any guy she wanted, any guy at all)

“Oh,” he said, after a silence that felt both entirely too long and entirely too short. “I’m glad for that, then.” He tried to smile, fully aware that it was probably a horrific twist of his lips. “Then I’ll actually be able to hang out with him.” 

She looked at him, and for a split second, for a  _ split second, _ he swore she was asking him for a reason to stay, a reason not to go out on the date. And he almost did, he even opened his mouth, but then she blinked, and the look was gone, and he came back to reality. 

“Have fun,” he said instead, ignoring the way his heart seemed to clench. 

Devi gave him a strained smile. “Thanks, Ben.” She tipped her head towards the bottom drawer of her desk. “I think your textbook is in there. You can let yourself out, right?” 

He nodded, heart in his throat, too choked up to say anything else. 

She deigned him with one more smile of hers, beautiful, small, but no less bright, before turning and walking out of the door. 

He actually took a step towards the door, so overcome with the need to beg her to stay with him that his body overrode his mind, his heart aching, but came to his senses when he bumped into Devi’s bed, his knee banging on the corner. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, sharp pain shooting through his leg. Oh well. He’d take this pain over the pain of watching Devi walk out of the door any day. 

Ben had just finished packing up his bag when a tap on his shoulder startled him. “What?” he said, jumping up. 

He turned around to see a brown-haired girl smiling at him. Anna, if remembered correctly. She had been in lots of his classes, and if he remembered correctly, she was also on the pre-law track. 

“Ben, right?” she said. 

He nodded, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Yeah.” 

Anna smiled shyly at him. “I’ve noticed you in class. You’re really smart.” 

Ben flushed. “Uh, thanks.” 

“I wanted to ask you your opinion on how I should study for our final. You know, I like Law and Economics, but I’m not the greatest.” 

Ben shuffled on his feet, caught unawares. This wasn’t a situation he found himself in frequently. “I’m sure you’re great,” he offered feebly.

Anna glanced down at the floor and then back up at him. “Well, yeah, but I’m not as good as  _ you. _ I’d really appreciate your help. Would you mind meeting for coffee to explain some stuff?” 

Ben stared at her. Was—was she asking him out? That didn’t happen. Girls didn’t ask  _ him _ out, he asked them out, and even then, infrequently, just enough to get his mother off his back. So frankly, it was a little hard for him to process that this was happening right now. 

Anna laughed nervously. “Only if you want to, of course.” 

This snapped Ben out of his haze. He looked at her again. She really was pretty, with freckles dotting her nose. He felt kinda shitty, to be honest, because there was no way for her to know that his heart was unavailable, firmly held by someone else. But he couldn’t sit around for the rest of his life, living as a single guy just because he was in love with Devi. Maybe what he needed was to get out a little bit, to meet someone else, to leave her periphery. 

He swallowed, and before he could talk himself out of his decision, nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that. Do you want my number?” 

Anna’s face brightened up instantly. “Yeah!” She held out her phone, and Ben swapped his with her so she could put her number in as well. 

“Thanks,” he said, taking his phone back. He gave her a smile, or, as close to a smile as he could. He hadn’t been feeling much of those, lately. “I guess I’ll see you around?” 

She nodded, giving him one last smile, before turning on her heel to walk away. Ben stood there, clutching his phone in his hand. He looked down at it, resisting the urge to run to Anna and tell her that he was wrong, that he couldn’t help her. 

He needed to learn to let go, no matter how impossible it seemed. He’d never be good enough for Devi, would never deserve her, but he didn’t deserve to live a life miserable and without love either. 

At least, that’s what he told himself to try and get some small piece of comfort from it.

Ben heard his apartment door open as he was shrugging his jacket on, getting ready to leave for his date with Anna. 

“Gross,” he heard Devi call out. “I need your help!”

Ben stifled a fond smile as he grabbed his keys and his phone, tucking them into his pocket. “You’re going to have to find someone else, David,” he said, searching in his room for his watch. “I’ve got plans right now,” 

“What, with Netflix and Chipotle?” Devi joked, her voice becoming clearer as she walked towards his room. “I keep telling you, Gross, that’s not what Netflix and chill mea—” she stopped in her tracks as she entered his room. “Why are you dressed up?” she asked, her brows furrowing. 

Ben smirked at her, dressed in a too large sweatshirt and sweatpants. It was unfair how she still managed to look beautiful, but whatever. He wasn’t going to focus on that right now. “No,” he said. “I actually have a date of my own today.” 

Devi’s eyebrows drew together, like the wings of a bird. “A date?” she repeated. 

He couldn’t help but think that she sounded a little too surprised for his ego. He knew he wasn’t  _ that _ good looking, but he could get a date! It was just that he hadn’t wanted to, lately. 

“Yes, David, a date,” he said slowly, as though he were speaking to a small child. “It’s when two people decide to spend some time together, usually over dinner or drinks, because they’re interested in each other.” 

“Are you going to dinner?” she asked sharply, eyes cutting from him to the clock on the wall. 

“No, just coffee,” he said, finally finding the watch he wanted and fixing it to his wrist. He walked out of his room and into the kitchen, Devi following him. “She asked me out, and I hadn’t been on a date in forever, so I said yes, of course.” 

“I—I didn’t know you were interested in dating someone,” Devi said, leaning on his kitchen counter. “And  _ she _ asked  _ you _ out?” 

Ben tried not to let that hurt him. “Look, Devi, I know I’m not a movie star, but I’m not the worst looking person in the world. There’s nothing wrong with me going out on a date with a pretty girl.” 

“N—no!” Devi tried, though Ben could tell she was just covering up her tracks. “I didn’t mean it that way,” she protested. “You just, you never seemed interested in going out on dates.” 

That was the final straw. Ben turned away from where he had been reaching to get a glass and slammed his hand down on the counter. “Look, Devi, I know you think that my life revolves around yours, and yeah, maybe I’ve given you that impression, but you’re wrong. I deserve to have my own life, away from you and everything you’re doing!” 

“Ben, that’s not what I’m saying—” she began. 

“Listen to me, Devi,” he snapped. He was pretty sure he had never been this mad at her before, but it wasn't just simple anger. There was a lot of real hurt coming to the surface, real hurt he had tried to bury and lock away. “Anna’s sweet, and nice, and she’s a pre-law student like me. I like talking to her. She gets me.” Hurt flashed over Devi’s face, although Ben didn’t know why, as he had stopped actually yelling at her. “She wanted to meet up for coffee, and since I hadn’t been on a date in a while, I said yes. I’m allowed to date, just like you are.” 

Devi stared at him, eyes wide. “What?” she whispered, and Ben felt just a little guilty in that moment. 

He sighed heavily. “I know your date with Matt went well, and I'm happy for you, I really am.” He wasn’t, but she didn’t need to know that. He was trying to be happy for her, at least. “It just made me realize that I wanted someone like that in my life as well, you know. And I think I forgot that, spending all my time with you.” 

Her hands shook as she placed them on the counter, though, for the life of him, Ben couldn’t figure out why. “So you said yes to Anna asking you out?” 

“It’s just a first date, Devi.” 

“Do you like her?” Ben had never heard her voice so small, so weak. Devi was brash and bold, not small and quiet. She looked up at him, and she almost looked,  _ scared, _ sick to her stomach. 

“Devi,” he said quietly, reaching out to grasp her fingers with his. “Look. You’ll still be my best friend, ok? Nothing’s going to change that. But I need more than just that. It’s not you, ok? You deserve more too.” That hurt to say, but it was the truth. He brushed back a strand of her hair, tucking it behind her ear. 

“You didn’t answer my question, Ben,” she said, ignoring what he had just told her. “Do you like her?” 

He heaved a sigh. He liked Anna, a lot. Not in  _ that _ way, but he did. In the week they had been texting, he had learned she was fun and sarcastic and sweet all at the same time, beautiful and wonderful. There was only one problem with her: she wasn’t Devi. But Ben wasn’t going to hold that against her. And yeah, in another world, Anna would have been exactly who he pictured himself falling in love with. But they weren’t in another world. They were in this one, and in this one, his heart belonged to exactly one person. 

He couldn’t tell Devi any of this, of course, so he decided on the simplest answer possible. “I do. I really like her.” 

Devi’s grip on his hand tightened, and she looked away from him for a moment before looking back. “Ok then,” she said, sounding tired and defeated. “Then I’m sure I will too.” 

He was worried about her, honestly. He didn’t know why she was acting this way. “Devi, are you ok? I promise we’ll still be friends. Me going out with Anna doesn’t change that.” 

She waved her hand casually. “I know!” she said, false brightness in her voice. She glanced at the clock on his stove. “Look, you have to get going, or else you’re going to be late.” 

She was right, but he still didn’t feel any better about leaving her alone. “Are you sure you’re ok?” 

She nodded. “Ben, I’m fine. Come on, you have a date to get to.” 

He let go of her hand and slipped on his shoes, opening his door. “I’ll see you later, Devi.” 

She smiled at him, small, and strained, but a smile nonetheless. “Yeah.”

He didn’t want to leave her behind, wanted to sweep her into his arms and tell her that the only person he really wanted to be with was her, but that wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t fair to either of them. If he stood there any longer, he wouldn’t leave, so he shot her one last smile and pulled the door shut. 

As he closed it, he heard a small, broken sob. He thought he hadn’t let it out, but apparently he was wrong. He yanked his hand from the doorknob like he had been burned, and set off towards the shop at a brisk pace. 

Perhaps if he ran, he’d be able to escape the celestial body that seemed to be Devi. 

When Ben returned to his apartment later that night, he found Devi curled up on the couch, eating ice cream that he knew she had stolen out of his freezer and watching  _ The Good Place _ on his TV. 

“Devi?” he said incredulously, walking up behind her and pausing the episode. 

“Hey!” she protested, sticking the spoon in the middle of the ice cream. “I was watching that!” 

He tossed the remote onto the couch and crossed his arms. “What are you doing here? I thought you went back to your place when I left?” 

Devi refused to meet his eyes, instead stabbing the spoon into the ice cream repeatedly. “I was hungry.” 

She was lying to him. Ben moved so instead of standing behind the couch, he was standing in front of her. He grabbed the ice cream carton out of her hands and set it on the coffee table so she’d have to look at him. “Devi,” he said calmly, as calm as he could be with the irritation rising inside of him, “what’s going on?” 

She shrugged, getting up from the couch and wrapping her arms around herself. “Nothing. I just wanted to be here to ask you how your date with Anna went. I thought you were just going out for coffee.” 

Ben nodded. “We did. And we had a lot of fun, actually. I suggested we get a bite to eat at the pizza place I like.” 

Devi’s jaw clenched, and she looked away from him. “So you  _ did _ end up having dinner with her.” 

Ben shook his head. “Devi, what the fuck, I’m so confused. What’s going on?” 

“I would have thought confusion was a natural state of being for you, Gross. After all, I’m currently the one who has the higher GPA.” 

“By like, a hundredth of a point,” Ben said instantly, the old habit of defending himself to Devi resurrecting again.

“That’s going to matter when graduation rolls around and the valedictorian is chosen,” she sang, smirking at him. 

Ben opened his mouth to argue with her on that, but then he realized she had successfully distracted him from his original question. “Devi, as much as I love sparring with you over grades, and I  _ do, _ that’s not the problem here. What’s wrong?” 

“Oh my god,” she laughed, but this wasn’t the beautiful lyrical laugh of Devi he loved, but instead bitter, and high. She buried her hands in her hair. “Why do you think there’s something wrong? There’s nothing wrong. I’m  _ fine.” _

“But you’re not.” 

“I AM!” she yelled. Ben froze. In all their years of friendship, Devi hadn’t yelled at him like that, not in  _ years. _ She seemed tense, hair-trigger emotional, and Ben had no idea what caused it. 

“I’m just worried about you,” he protested, trying to be calm. “I care about you.” 

“Oh, do you?” she said, turning around. “Do you care about me, Ben?” 

“You know I do, Devi.” 

“Well, maybe I’m having a hard time believing that, considering you just ditched me to go out on a date!” 

That was the final straw. “You don’t get to dictate who I date, Devi. You don’t get to act like this!” he snapped back. 

“Act like what, Ben? Act like a crazy bitch? A psycho? Are you just gonna write me off too?” 

“You know I’ve never written you off, Devi,” he said, his voice low. “That’s unbelievably unfair of you to say. But you can’t just storm around in my apartment, telling me what to do, and acting like this.” 

Devi’s fists clenched at her sides, that temper of hers coming to the forefront. For a second, he thought she looked beautiful like this, vicious, furious, tossing her hair out of her face, eyes sparking with anger, and then that moment passed, and he thought he was just an idiot for  _ still _ being so helplessly in love with her. 

“Acting like  _ what, _ Ben?” she fumed, stalking towards him. She poked him in the chest with her finger so harshly he stumbled back, the backs of his knees bumping into the coffee table. “You tell  _ me _ what I’m acting like.” 

“Like—like you’re  _ jealous.” _

Devi laughed mirthlessly, high and cold, and the sound sent shivers down Ben’s spine. Devi wasn’t cold, not at all, and he was finding out just how little he liked this Devi, the cruel one who could reach into his chest and tear out his heart, crushing it easily in the palm of her hand. 

“You think I’m jealous?” 

“I don’t  _ know,”  _ Ben begged. “I don’t know who this Devi is, the one who’s bitter and upset, but god, Devi, you’re—you’re acting like a jealous girlfriend, or something. It’s not fair!” 

“Really,  _ Ben,” _ she spat, eyes blazing. “And how is it not fair, huh? You have a girlfriend. Why do you care how I act?” 

“Because I’m your best friend! That’s why I care!” he insisted, walking towards her. “I do.” 

Devi shoved him backwards, face red with anger. “And  _ why, _ Ben? Aren’t you happy with Anna now? Why do you care if I act like your—fucking—jealous—girlfriend,” she hissed, puncturing each word with a stab at his chest. 

“You’re my friend, Devi—” 

“And that doesn’t mean anything to you, doesn’t it, coming back here late—”

“And I worry about you—” 

“I’m not some fucking damsel in distress, I don’t need you—” 

“You’ve never acted like this before, I just need to k—” 

“You don’t get to dictate how I act, Gross—” 

“And it’s so unfair for you to act like this—” 

“Like what, huh—

“Like you’re  _ my _ girlfriend—”

“Why? Why is it unfair?” 

_ “Because I’m in love with you!”  _

(he couldn't believe he said that, just told her the biggest secret he’d been carrying around, gave her permission to take his heart and claw it into shreds, and he knew, he  _ knew _ that she could never feel that way about him, and he only prayed to god he hadn’t lost her as a friend, no matter how disgusted she must have been) 

“You’re in love with me?” Devi yelled back, vicious, spitting, like a snake. 

He wanted to be calm, really, he did, but he couldn’t help it. 

“I am!” 

_ “Well, I’m in love with you too!”  _

It was like all the air had been sucked out of that apartment instantly. Ben wouldn’t—couldn’t move, wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. There was no way those words had fallen from her lips, no way that Devi had said to him what he had been dreaming of her saying for years. He didn’t get words like that, not in the real world, not here. She didn’t love him. She didn’t. She  _ couldn’t. _ She was just saying that to make him feel better about what he had admitted. 

Ben backed away from her. “I knew you could be mean, Devi,” he said, “but I never thought you were cruel.” 

Devi’s face crumpled instantly, moving from furious to despondent, and she took a step towards him. “What—what are you talking about, Ben? I—I  _ love _ you.” 

He shook his head, forcing his heart to stop exploding with happiness. The words were sweet, so sweet, sweeter than he had imagined them ever being, but he had to remember they weren’t real. She could never love him. She  _ didn’t _ love him.

“You don’t mean that. You  _ can’t _ mean that. You couldn’t ever love me.” 

Devi reached out for him, but he couldn’t stop moving away from her. There wasn’t enough space in the world between them, wasn’t enough room for him to breathe.

“Ben,” she pleaded, suddenly so different from the Devi who was shouting at him not a few moments ago. “Ben, please, listen to me.” 

“I can’t,” he whispered. He felt like his heart was breaking and being put together at the same time, and it hurt, god, it hurt more than anything else he had ever felt. “I can’t. You’re just saying that to make me feel better. I don’t deserve you. You don’t love someone like me. You just pity me.” 

(because ben had never believed he was good enough for her, and she had never believed she was good enough for him, and it was a goddamn tragedy that the both of them made the decisions for the other one, because they were breaking their own hearts all the while) 

She laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. “You don’t deserve  _ me? _ Ben, no, you’ve got it all wrong. Please, listen.” She stepped towards him, and he stayed. He owed her that much, at least. “I don’t deserve you.” 

Her hands shook as she wrung them. “I’m the one who’s not worthy. God, Ben, how could you think you deserved anything other than perfection? You deserve someone better than me to love you. I—I didn’t appreciate you after Malibu, not like I should have. You—you deserve someone whole, and perfect, someone who isn't broken.” She swept her hand at her cheek, and he realized she was crying. His heart  _ ached _ for her. “Someone like Anna, someone better than me. You deserve someone who can give you their whole heart, who loves you without reason. You deserve to be loved in wholes, Ben.” 

He stepped towards her. “Do you love me like that, Devi?” he asked, his heart pounding in his chest. “Do you love me in wholes?” 

She pressed her fist to her mouth, and now she was the one stepping away from him. 

“Answer me, please,” he begged. “Do you love me like that?” 

She nodded. 

And he reached for her, cupped her face in his palms and pressed his thumbs against her cheeks, wiping away her tears. “I deserve to be loved by  _ you,” _ he whispered. “I don’t  _ want _ to be loved by anyone else but you. And I want to love you too, if you’ll give me the chance?” 

Her hands curled around his. “But—but what about Anna?” she asked. 

He shook his head. “She told me she could tell I wanted someone else halfway through our date. She was surprisingly nice about it, though.” He held her gaze with his. “What about Matt?”

She gave him a teary smile. “I lied to you. He didn’t want someone to date. He just wanted to see if he was ready  _ to _ date, in general.” 

He tipped his head forward, so that his forehead pressed against hers. “I love you,” he whispered. 

Instead of answering him, Devi’s hands cupped his cheeks and tugged him down and—

Suddenly she was kissing him, and it was the best thing in his life, even better because he knew she loved him, because in the face of all improbabilities, Devi loved him, and he couldn’t help but pull her closer and kiss her harder, to show her that he loved her too. 

Her mouth was hot on his, and so, so soft, perfect, and he couldn’t help it, dragging his hands through her curls to pull her closer, impossibly closer. She’d never be close enough for him, never be near enough, but fuck him if he wasn’t going to try. Her hands curled into fists, clutching him closer to her, his jacket fisted in her hands, and she tugged him even closer, kissing him harder. 

He pushed her back, and then, she was pressed up against the wall of his apartment, and she seemed to like it, if the way she slanted her lips over his was any indication. He felt her melt into his touch as he swept his hand down her back, and he kissed her the only way he knew how: with everything that he was. 

He could tell, by the way her tongue traced his lips and from how her grip tightened on him, that she wanted to go faster, to lose themselves, but they had time. They had time now, and Ben was damned if he wasn’t going to spend all the time he could with her. 

He pulled away, ignoring the whimper she let out as he did so, and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, relishing her, breathing her in. 

It was a moment before he said anything, but he did, eventually. “Hi.” 

She smiled at him. “Hi.” She reached up, dragging her thumb across his lip, the same way she had at the Christmas party, although she wasn’t wearing any lipstick now. “I guess I can’t wear red lipstick anymore, huh? Might look a little weird on you.” 

“No, please do,” he said. “I like it on  _ you.” _

She laughed then. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She fell silent then, her eyes roaming over his face, and he knew how she felt, for once. He could look at her for a thousand years and it would never be enough. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” He smirked at her. “I said it first though.” 

She smacked him. “Ben! Are you serious right now?” But she was laughing, burying his face into her shoulder. “I literally hate you.” 

“I don’t think you do.” 

“Nope, I take back everything I said, I hate you, you are the worst.” 

“Wow, that really hurt,” he drawled. 

She stuck her tongue out at him. “I thought we were supposed to stop bickering after this whole thing.” 

“I think now the bickering  _ really _ starts.” 

They both fell silent then, Ben tracing patterns up and down Devi’s back. She looked up at him. “You know you’re still one of my best friends, right?” 

He trailed his hand down her arm and linked their fingers together. “And you’re still mine.” 

(this comforted him, more than he thought it could; he thought everything in his life would change after this, everything would become horrible after devi found out how he felt about her, but the truth was, he liked that only some things changed. he liked that he could still compete with her and argue and push her, he liked that he could kiss her and tell her he loved her and date her. he liked this, the middle ground they had found) 

She tilted her head up in the slightest to brush her lips over his, once, feather soft. “Do you want the rest of the ice cream?” she asked, eyes glimmering. 

He burst out laughing. “I think you destroyed it in your jealous rage.”

She hummed noncommittally. “It was worth it, though.” 

He pretended to think. “Oh, I don’t know. I really liked that ice cream.” 

Devi rolled her eyes. “Fine, Ben. Let’s do a late night grocery run and get you more ice cream.” 

He pulled away from her, but kept their hands linked. “Only if we get hot fudge.” 

“Deal.” 

She was the one who walked out the door first, but Ben followed. He’d follow Devi to the ends of the earth, so, really, the corner store didn’t seem like that big a deal. And he knew she would do the same for him. 

It was what they did for each other.

**Author's Note:**

> your comments and kudos make me happier than devi getting into princeton!! come talk with me about the show! you can find me on tumblr: @[parkersedith](https://parkersedith.tumblr.com)


End file.
